I have a request, no, a plea, to cell phone manufacturers and software developers obsessed with phone memory. Please stop. You are the primary cause of an annoying disease I refer to as “scrolliosis.” Those who suffer from it, and in turn cause those around then to suffer even more, are serial scrollers. In layman’s…
It’s not the first time I have tried to obtain a better shape via attractive sounding nutritional titles. I strode into a vitamin store recently and walked out with something called “Serious Mass.” It’s a product that, judging by the physiques of other guys buying it, would make my neck the size of my thighs.
I have recently begun answering those “how did we do?” customer satisfaction surveys that flood my inbox mere seconds after communicating with a service agent. Sometimes the agent warns me of the impending email and even suggests how I should respond: “Mr. Schwem you are going to receive a brief survey asking you to…
“Hello! Thank you for downloading our app, which requires a password, is guaranteed to take up valuable memory on your phone and ensure that, if you ever have a problem with our company, you now have the tools to solve it yourself. Which is why, on our website, you will not find any kind of…
I recently bought an Apple Watch, and now there’s a small part of me that hopes I get knocked unconscious in a forest. It might be the only way I can justify the expense. I owe my $400 purchase to Apple’s latest commercials spotlighting the watch’s Emergency SOS and Location Services features. In a single…
Aw, heck, let’s just work one day a week. I mean, we’re all overstressed, burned out, mentally exhausted and up in arms that receiving paychecks requires us to do something other than attend spin classes whenever we feel like it. Never mind that our parents, their parents, and their parents’ parents clocked in at 9…
I have vowed to make 2022 the year I learn a second language, a goal I will achieve for purely selfish reasons. I should already be bilingual, as it would place me in the company of, by some estimates, more than 40 percent of the world’s citizens who can converse in something other than their…
The elves gathered around their home monitors at 2:40 p.m., per Santa’s emailed instructions. Unable to congregate in the main workshop or communicate face to face with their boss since COVID-19 struck the North Pole in March 2020, they wearily clicked the Zoom link Santa provided. Soon, Santa’s grainy image appeared. The elves were perplexed.…
When it comes to visiting New York City, my trip doesn’t officially end until I have strolled through Central Park, regardless of the temperature or the condition of my feet. I have walked alone and with friends who call New York home. I introduced my wife to the park by renting a carriage, piloted by…
A picture of the four guys, with looks ranging from “We will physically beat up any struggling student” to “We don’t really need the money, do we?” accompanied by the tagline: “MasterClass | Metallica Teachers Being a Band,” was too intriguing to pass up.