Prior to her burial, the time spent waiting to file past Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was estimated at 24 hours, a figure made slightly higher when Piers Morgan attempted to cut in line. Thankfully, the Queen has been officially laid to rest. Had the public viewing at Westminster Hall lasted any longer, King Charles III may…
I woke up to a throat feeling like it had spent the night next to a blistering desert sun while the rest of my body slumbered under a mound of blankets necessary to combat the 60 degree chill that my wife feels is the ideal sleeping temperature. Stumbling to the bathroom, I gulped down copious…
Every other week I sit in front of a blank computer screen, faced with the stressful task of writing a humor column approximately 650 words in length. This week will be no different except for a few modifications: The column will be EXACTLY 650 words. If my editor wants changes, I will politely but firmly…
I consider myself “a closet rock star,” meaning I belt out songs at the top of my lungs, but am too ashamed to do so publicly, even at a karaoke bar. Part of my fear stems from knowing I am botching the lyrics to most songs on my fantasy setlist. In college, a frat brother,…
I was recently bitten by a dog, a traumatic experience I hesitate to recount in print because I am not interested in sympathy or compassion. The dog, on the other hand, has received plenty of both. It happened on a glorious afternoon in San Francisco, one of the rare days when it was warm enough…
Maybe it’s time I head outside and mow my lawn. I fear my neighbors are losing patience, as they spend sweltering weekends cutting, trimming, and weeding, resulting in perfectly green, manicured grass soft enough for bare feet. Conversely, my “lawn” is a waist-high amalgam of crabgrass, chickweed, creeping charlie and dandelions. Village inspectors keep driving…
“Do you mind if I touch you?” I asked my wife one evening after dinner. “Not at all,” she replied with a soft giggle. “You’re sure?” “Yes, I’m sure.” But the giggle had disappeared. “There will be no negative ramifications or consequences if I place my hand anywhere on your body?” I asked, extending my…
Maybe it’s time to admit that, when it comes to discipline, our skills as parents have disappeared faster than a toddler’s attention span. Princess Kate Middleton recently found herself under the disciplinarian microscope when a hilarious, yet uncomfortable video emerged starring her youngest child, 4-year-old Prince Louis and fifth in line of succession to the…
A well-known joke has a man applying for a retail sales job and insisting to the manager that he can sell anything to anybody. “Prove it,” the skeptical manager responds, nodding to a customer who has just entered the establishment. Within minutes, the customer exits the store with a top-of-the-line fishing pole, a tackle box…
I have a request, no, a plea, to cell phone manufacturers and software developers obsessed with phone memory. Please stop. You are the primary cause of an annoying disease I refer to as “scrolliosis.” Those who suffer from it, and in turn cause those around then to suffer even more, are serial scrollers. In layman’s…