Donald Trump Jr. may soon need a new job.
Actually, including “new” in that sentence may be erroneous or, “fake news,” as his dad is fond of saying. You see, I’m not sure what our president’s namesake does for a living. I do know he poses with hunting rifles and animal carcasses, but I don’t think “leopard slaughterer” comes with a steady paycheck.
What I, and the rest of America now know, is the president’s son met with Russian officials in hopes of getting snarky information on Hillary Clinton, a fact he fessed up to once a few of his emails were leaked to The New York Times. Despite statements from President Trump that “zero happened from the meeting,” a statement even the number zero would dispute if it could talk, Trump Jr.’s Kremlin dalliances were a major screw up. And, as anyone in the workforce knows, a screw up is often the prerequisite to termination.
So, Donald II, let me help you update your resume. Via LinkedIn.
I love the popular professional networking site because it allows one to view, and subsequently ridicule, millions of work histories and puffed up job descriptions. I recently received a “connection” request from a 28-year-old marketing associate who listed “coached company softball team” under “special skills.” My 1,400-plus LinkedIn network includes a “resilience coach,” a “chief engagement officer” and a “global AR/VR digital strategist.”
Incidentally, I’m a stand-up comedian and a columnist, two jobs that have never required detailed explanations or retorts of, “What exactly IS that?”
Surprisingly, LinkedIn is home to many renowned individuals who no longer need worry where their next paycheck is coming from. Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has a profile, as does India Prime Minister Narendra Modi. For over a year I’ve been waiting for actor Kevin Bacon to accept my connection request.
Trump Jr. also has a LinkedIn profile. It features two photos that appear to have been taken at last year’s Republican convention: One featuring a Trump/Pence “Make America Great Again” campaign sign surrounded by confetti, and a smaller, circular pic of Trump Jr. himself, one fist raised triumphantly.
Don Jr., the photos look great; it’s the rest of the site that needs work, especially for someone who may soon find himself the recipient of a pink slip.
Let’s start with experience. Your profile says you’ve held only one job since graduating from the Wharton School: Executive Vice President of the Trump Organization. While starting as an EVP is impressive, employers today could view a single occupation as a sign of complacency or laziness. Most 39-year-olds change careers more often than your father changes TV news channels. At the very least, add “Opposition Researcher.” If that sounds dreary, up it to “Covert Information Specialist.”
Now let’s move to the “recommendations” section. You penned an endorsement for Eric Bunn, a college buddy and author of “The Midas Touch.” Your glowing prose included the line, “If a future opportunity to do business together presented itself, I’d have to take a serious look.”
Great choice of words. If Bunn is the person you say he is, I’m loving it!
Here’s the problem: Nobody has recommended you. For anything. You can fix that via a quick Google search. Simply copy and paste what others have recently said about you. I found these testimonials:
“He’s a good kid.” – Donald Trump, current president of the United States
“Don Jr. did nothing wrong.” – Alan Futerfas, Donald Trump Jr’s attorney
“Donald Trump Jr. is an idiot.” – New York Post
OK, two recommendations should suffice.
Your “Featured Skills and Endorsements” section needs a boost too. While 44 people say you excel at real estate economics, you only show one endorsement each for your “business strategy” and “hospitality” skills. Surely, you can do better. Is there a recent meeting you attended, in the past year or so, where those skills were on full display? Think hard. I’m sure it will come to you.
Now click “refresh” and you are ready to tackle the hyper-competitive job market. Happy to be of service. Oh, and if you see Jared Kushner, have him get in touch with me.