Every time I purchase a new car, I always vow that, unlike my previous vehicles, I will keep this one sparkling clean. Forever. I will hand buff its exterior with paste wax weekly, never mind the shoulder and rotator cuff pain I will experience midway through this arduous task. Its windshield and grill will quickly…
Donald Trump Jr. may soon need a new job. Actually, including “new” in that sentence may be erroneous or, “fake news,” as his dad is fond of saying. You see, I’m not sure what our president’s namesake does for a living. I do know he poses with hunting rifles and animal carcasses, but I don’t…
I arrived at the famed Wrigley Field bleachers on July 4 wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a Chicago Cubs jersey, the latter I planned to discard by the third inning. I left four hours later, the jersey spotted with mustard and reeking of spilled beer, two ballpark staples that should have landed on my bare skin. Darn…
A former Chicago Tribune reporter named Kevin Pang, who is now the food editor for entertainment website The A.V. Club., recently tweeted: “Confession: When I was a critic there were 2 restaurants in Chicago so good I kept to myself & never wrote about. Is this against some code?” Allow me to relieve Pang of guilt…
Shocking news out of Great Britain last week, as Prince Harry confessed nobody in the royal family wants to be king or queen. My initial response was, “Blimey,” “balderdash,” “rubbish” and other assorted words Brits use to express shock and dismay. My secondary response was, “Sign me up. I’m ready.” Suffice it to say, Harry,…
Three summers ago, I refused to dump gallons of freezing cold water on my head, never mind that doing so meant I was somehow raising money to combat amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig’s disease. FACT: Most of the money raised by the Ice Bucket Challenge went to pay medical bills for participants suffering from…
My on again, off again search for a second career has come to an end. I firmly believe I have found an ancillary vocation that will provide me steady revenue in my golden years; or at least enough disposable income to join, guilt-free, the other retirees at my local diner for daily coffee and doughnuts…
Go ahead. Admit it. This blog post is awesome. I realize you’ve only read nine words up until now, but that should be plenty for you to categorize this column’s brilliance by using the currently most overused, and thereby most annoying, word in the English language. Forget the available synonyms; splendid, terrific or breathtaking could easily…
The infomercial actress appeared on the tiny screen attached to the treadmill as I labored through a 40-minute jog. Wearing that annoying “you must purchase this product now because, you know, operators ARE standing by” grin, the woman gleefully hawked a line of T-shirts she claimed hid her “muffin top.” My sweaty forefinger hit the…
I silently read the electronic response multiple times, seconds after it hit my inbox: “I will be out of the office today and will have limited or no access to email.” After receiving three identical retorts from different message recipients in a single hour, I could take it no more. I hit ‘reply’ to a…